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Peach Creek Award

The Truth Is Ed There
Written by Kit

Okay, its evening, dinner was good (I know 'cos I made it) the wind is teasing round the cracks in the window frame and rain rustles softly against the glass. Its too early to go to bed and we're too tired to do something more constructive so how about we watch some TV, after all we have plenty of time, milk n cookies to share.

Oh look, on Channel XIV there's one of those documentary shows that supposedly reveals how famous people really are in "real" life, I know we don't usually watch this sort of stuff as its never anyone on there who we really recognize but since the only other things on are a rerun of Mr Ed and something about cross pollination in citrus orchards it seems our best shot, here pass me the remote.

Ugh ... that stupid ad for wattisname's latest video again, oh hang on, this must be it ...

*** FADE IN ***

"Hold that... okay .... and its a wrap!"

"Geez, I thought this one would never end" Eddy, covered in some kind of viscous yellow goo, gestures rudely in the direction of a pair of large cameras and rolls his eyes at Ed, who is also liberally smothered.

Ed says nothing, pulls a small cellular phone from his hip pocket and stabs out a number, which isn't easy considering both he and Eddy are suspended by their ankles from a large metal climbing frame inside the torn remains of a woebegone pantomime horse.

A muffled voice issues from the tiny phone and at once Ed barks into it, "Charna? Ed here, where's Dale? I told him I wasn't doing this messy stuff again, what's he playin' at? Get him on here pronto - what? No, I don't care if he's with another client I pay his wages." There is a brief silence and then the voice again, Ed's neck reddens "Oh he said that did he? Well you tell him I want a call back within the hour or I'll be reviewing my contract - you got that?" he shoves the phone back into his pocket and bawls to the redundant film crew standing by "Will somebody get me down from here or are you all just gonna stand there gaping like stunned guppies you dorks?"

*** FADE OUT ***

The EDS THEME TUNE PLAYS: Still shots of the Eds play continuously across the screen

MALE VOICEOVER: Ed, Edd and Eddy, three young friends brought together by one thing in life - the desire to turn their hard earned nickels into cheek-bulging Jawbreakers. Each week millions of fans across the country tune in to catch the latest adventures of their 3 titular heroes as they scam and trick their way through cul-de-sac life. But what of the real Ed, Edd and Eddy? The faces the fans don't see? Here we take a peek behind the cameras into the shrouded world of the people who make Ed, Edd and Eddy the series the popular phenonmenom that it is and discover their true feelings, finding out just how they interact when the camera's not rolling...

*** FADE IN ***

"Okay Plank, concentrate now, tell me which card the lady is holding up." Jonny and Plank sit facing each other across a small dinette, there are playing cards scattered about and a cup of coffee going cold. Jonny scratches his head and pulls his mouth into a fixed wedge trying to put words to Plank's vision "brate ov krubs". His face creases worriedly, "My agent thought this would be a cinch, he wanted us to be more cerebral. Intelligent.Get away from our insular label..."

"And what do you think your chances are of pulling that off then, Doug? Thin as in wafer?" laughter precedes the actor we know as Jimmy as he appears at the door of Jonny's large trailer wearing nothing but a pair of 501s and dog-tags, his black hair is parted dead-center. Seeing the camera on him he grins and reverts to the Jimmy-voice we all know and love, "Jonny is hoping to go on tour with Plank this summer break, they're doing a ventriloquist n magic act but -" his voice deepens back into his own natural tone and he ends in a shout "Boy, do they suck!"

***FADE OUT ***

***FADE IN ***

Jimmy and Jonny are sitting outside with tall glasses of what appears to be but is probably not lemonade. Jimmy self-consciously touches the slicked back hair, "Yeah, most people are surprised to find out its a wig, also that I don't need to wear that brace -" to demonstrate he gives the camera a close-up view of his mouth, Jonny rocks back in his chair and gives the thumbs up. Jimmy continues, trying for an authoritative tone, "I guess its the same with any popular TV show, you kinda think that we are exactly like the characters we play. I mean man, that episode with the blue flower ... uh..."

"An Ed too Many" offers Jonny

"That was it, man you wouldn't believe how many packets of seeds I got sent as a result of that - could have started my own flower stall. Trouble is I'm actually allergic to flowers" He giggles and shrugs, "Sorry girls."

***FADE OUT ***

***FADE IN ***

"Does any of what I'm saying mean anything to you, Mister?"

Ed is on the phone again to his agent Dale who failed to return his call, he paces up and down waving his arm and pausing at intervals to scowl at the camera. Eddy is sitting in the background eating from a large bag of corn chips and grinning broadly. Every time Ed walks past him Eddy throws chips at him, only adding to Ed's annoyance. Ed looks daggers at Eddy and shouts into the phone before throwing it out of the trailer door - Eddy is unable to stop himself and flicks another chip, Ed goes wild and swearing angrily he dives across the room grabbing for Eddy's throat, wrangling they disappear off camera as the couch tips over, a glass breaks and somewhere outside a dog begins to bark

***FADE OUT ***

***FADE IN ***

The Kanker Sisters sit around in the make-up trailer, May is putting on lipstick whilst Marie arranges Lee's freshly plaited hair. May is dressed in a smart suit with matching gloves and pearl earrings. Seeing the camera rolling May looks down at herself at blushes. "Ah comes as a shock to you all that I'm not always such a low life huh? Actually I have some work to do this afternoon, I'm doing an after dinner speech for my favourite charity and then that I'm opening a new deli counter at the old supermarket round the corner from where I used to live. Oh, and then its signing copies of my new book of satirical essays."

***FADE OUT ***

***FADE IN ***

Marie smiles affectionately at Lee, "You know this woman Cherrilee here, has been my best friend since 4th grade? We've been through a hell of a lot together huh chickie? She ruffles Lee's hair, "You know she cheers me up when I'm feeling blue, she nurses me when I'm sick - this woman is solid gold! I never wanted to go to stage school but she dragged me there kickin' and screaming and look where its taken me. She deserves respect and to anyone out there who thinks she's anything like the character she plays - HAH! I've news for you!"

Lee slaps playfully at Marie and gets up from the couch trying to get off camera but it pans to follow her round along with Marie's voice, "Ask any of the guys on the crew here and they'll tell you the same thing, who's the sweetest kid around here? Our Cherrilee. She's always got a smile and a kind word for you and her apple pie is to die for" Lee bursts into hysterical tears and locks herself in the bathroom.

"Stoppit. Go away" her voice is muffled through the woodwork.

The camera tracks back to Marie, she shrugs and smiles "She can't stand this you know, she hates praise, it embarrasses the hell out of her. I told her I was gonna tell the world what a sweetie she is and she begged me not to but I owe her everything. Get outta there kid and take a bow"

The camera fixes on the bathroom door but nothing happens

***FADE OUT ***

***FADE IN ***

Double D wearing a black muscle T-shirt instead of his trademark baggy red, stretches luxuriously and lowers himself into an overstuffed armchair, his fingers go up to his mouth, delicately probing. There is a sharp but muted snap and his fingers withdraw clutching a small curved piece of plastic.

"Aaaah, that feels good," He looks full at the camera and slowly smiles, his mouth curving up to reveal no gap between his teeth. "Another myth exploded, huh?" His hands move up again, twirling a lock of dark hair as he grins mischievously "Can I take the hat off? Sure ..." The grin widens, "Heheh, no, absolutely not. That's typed in very bold red ink on my contract"

***FADE OUT ***

***FADE IN ***

Ed sits at a lunch counter with Jonny picking at a green salad, he is still angry but obviously trying to get over it. "So you think its a go-er then?"

Jonny shovels in another mouthful of hash browns, "I think we can work something out, I mean I can play bass at a pinch so that leaves you free for lead guitar, then if we can get Will ... uh, Kevin, up here for vocals all we need is to find a drummer ..." he tails off realising the camera is still on him.

Ed explains, "Doug n I are tryin' to figure how to spend our summer, y'know we get a hiatus, uh, … break between filming shows. Now his agent has some half-baked idea about a comedy magic act when we both know he'll just dry up on stage and my agent... " he pauses to brandish the cellular phone in the camera, "... wants me to try for some kids show compere thing, you gunk the kids and the kids gunk you, I told him I'm not doing anymore of that mucky stuff. Its playing havoc with my sinuses and quite honestly I'd rather spend my break doing something I like with people I like as opposed to wearing a nailed-on smile and dousing myself in food by-products for the edification of some moron in a suit. What's he gonna pull me up for next for goodnessake, Barney on ice?"

The phone in Ed's pocket suddenly goes off with the theme tune from Dr Zhivago, Ed snarls something beneath his breath and tears it out

***FADE OUT ***

***FADE IN ***

Ed's agent Dale Greasely sits behind a large desk upon which is a small polished plaque bearing his name. Behind him on the wall are thumbtacked several dog-eared photographs of such stars as Gonzo, MadCat, Beaker, Dick van Dyke and Plank.

Greasely turns a small black and white photo of Ed over and over in his pudgy fingers, "Ah yes, he's one of my brightest young hopefuls. Not half as dim as he comes over on that show, oh no. Knows where he's going does Ed although sometimes that's not such a good thing. Too impatient by far, can be bolshy too and downright insolent when he thinks he's not getting his own way. Apparently he'd had a string of agents before I agreed to take him under my wing, nothing I can't handle. I don't take any rubbish from him and if he knows which side his bread is buttered he's better start giving me the respect I deserve. Thinks he knows it all and he might one day but for now he's just a kid with a mouth that he likes to shoot off who's not half as famous or talented as he thinks he is, luckily for Ed he's got me think for him, so he doesn't have to try. "

***FADE OUT ***

***FADE IN ***

Ed watches Greasely's smug closing statement and heads meaningfully for the trailer door

***FADE OUT ***

***FADE IN ***

Greasely sits as before, the photo of Ed is nowhere to be seen and the one of Plank has been moved to a more prominent position. Greasely fiddles with a paperclip, "Mmm, yes he did fire me. No, I'm not at liberty to discuss this further you understand, lawyers and all that ..."

***FADE OUT ***

***FADE IN ***

Rolf and Nazz lean over a fence petting some sheep and goats, Kevin sits on the fence with Sarah holding his hand, his other arm is around her shoulders.

"I guess this must look pretty funny" Sarah giggles, "But actually Will and I have been dating since the first series wrapped," She kisses Kevin lightly on the chin, "I think I must have fallen for the big powerful man image, either that or its the way he says dork. What do you think?"

"Oh I think its definitely the big old he-man scenario myself" Rolf interjects, his voice is rich and mellifluous compared to his character's usual lilt, "And of course many fans of the show will only see you as Ed's moody little sibling, not realising of course that you are actually older than Ed by 6 months."

Sarah smiles as Kevin hugs her "Good things come in small packages baby" he drawls. With the trademark baseball cap removed Kevin looks younger than usual and his well-known habitual scowl seems a million miles away from the fresh-faced and freckled youth sitting here at his ease.

"Do I have any secrets?" Nazz turns around and faces the camera, "Well ... just one - I'm a complete and utter slob. Really I am. A total couch potato. When I get home at night I let the cat in, change into my old unravelling sweater and spend the evening lying on the couch watching college football. You wouldn't get me near those exercise tapes, the most exercise I ever get is walking to the icebox for more Drumstix!"

"I can vouch for that" chimes in Rolf, "But she does a mean spag bol too!"

"Thanks, I love you too Georgie-Boy" Nazz pokes Rolf in the ribs, "But couch potato though I may be at least chickens don't give me the heebeegeebies"

Rolf throws his hands up laughing, "Okay okay I give!"

Nazz continues, "Well okay I know you're over it now, but you remember how they used to freak you out? That ep where the guys want the egg and you're holding this chicken - whoooo, I thought you were gonna faint, how many times did they make you re-shoot that scene till you stopped shaking."

"I think it was something like eighteen!" Rolf scratches his head and grins sheepishly at the camera, "I can't explain it, I think it stems from my grandfather's farm, he had a little place down in the west, scratched his living in a dust bowl really and I used to spend my summers down there. He had an old rooster and boy was that a mean bird, took a peck out of my pants on more than one occasion."

***FADE OUT ***

***FADE IN ***

Edd leans back against the wall, trying for sultry. "Messy, messy, messy" he breathes, "Smelly, smelly, smelly. You know I actually get girls coming up to me in the street and begging me to say that to them. That and "... but Eddy." He smiles and widens his eyes, going for innocent this time - "This isn't sanitary - oh my". Edd breaks of in a fit of giggling, "Hey Ed do your stuff"

Ed shoves his face into the camera "I am ED! Buttered toast!"

They look across to where Eddy is loafing chewing on an apple, "Come on Eddy, hit us with your catchphrase - ah too bad you haven't got one unless its... " Ed pitches his voice up the scale searching for Eddy's tone "Cash!"

"That's not his catch phrase" screams Nazz as she runs past on her way to make-up "That's his personal mantra!"

***FADE OUT ***

***FADE IN ***

"And you know where most of Rolf's sayings come from?" Sarah pushes her way to the fore, "The old guy who used to deliver the groceries to the farm on a Friday afternoon, couldn't figure out what he was on about half the time but when he did say something it was profound - in a freaky sort of way. Isn't that so Rolf?" Rolf nods.

"So, " Nazz continues, "One day we're all there and the camera's are rolling and George- uh, Rolf has to do this scene with the sausage machine and so he's up there on this ricketty old ladder and he forgets his lines. He's just standing there doing a blank face and then suddenly he comes out with this really weirdo saying - man I just corpsed y'know. Turns out it was something this old guy used to say and the stress of muffing his lines must have brought it back to the surface. Well it was an instant hit with the director and it kinda snowballed from there, we use the old guy's lines all the time now and there's even a sort of suggestion box up in the main canteen so if we come up with a new one it gets put on the list and you can win a box of Twinkies!"

Rolf smiles. "Of course the Rolf-scene has its downside too, I get sent lots of diverse things from fans of the show, last week a sun-dried squid from a Japanese box lunch came through the door. Groooo! I've had pickled herrings, licorice flip-flips and a bracelet made from split peas too. No candied beets though - and please fans if you're watching this - that is not a request to receive some!"

"Awww you get all the luck" Kevin says, hugging Sarah as she climbs back up the fence, "Me I get a little fan-mail and one nice person sent me a bell for my bicycle but mainly I get complaints saying why am I so mean to the Eds and that I shouldn't call them dorks anymore because I'm a bigger dork than them." He turns to the camera and does big puppy eyes "Tell me guys, is this the face of a dork?" Sarah kisses him and he winks.

***FADE OUT ***

***FADE IN ***

Ed, Edd n Eddy sit on a trio of directors-style chairs, Eddy is seated in the middle, he is wearing dark glasses and denim bib n brace outfit with cuban heels. Ed is seated to his right dressed in shorts, Nikes and a running top. To his left Edd lounges in his black shirt and leather trousers drinking a mug of coffee.

"What are we really like?" Eddy muses, "Okay, our Edd here, he plays this really nervy kid, y'know he's obsessed with health and hygiene and playing it exactly by the numbers - hah, couldn't be further from the truth-" he gestures towards Edd, "Double D here is the biggest sugar freak you've ever met - six lumps in his tea, nine in coffee. And if that coffee's not so strong that he can't just go ahead and carve off a slice then whoohooo does he ever throw a tantrum. He's got a devil of a temper"

Ed butts in "Well actually Eddy that's not 100%, you're making him out to be some kind of nut when he's not, sure Edd likes his sugar n caffeine but come on, its you who gets the hissy fits when it doesn't go your way, Double D here is normally the coolest head around here - in fact I'd go so far to say he's so laid back the guy is practically horizontal! And as we all know the girls are crazy for Double D! Absolutely besotted!"

"Aw, come on guys" Edd pleads but to his dismay his partners drag over a large gunny sack filled with envelopes. As the camera pans around the room it picks out walls smothered in photographs, drawings, bunches of flowers, handwritten declarations of love. The predominant color is red, the predominant shape that of a heart. Edd blushes a deep crimson and looks sheepish as first Ed then Eddy take turns to pick from the sack and read aloud, clearly relishing his embarrassment.

***FADE OUT ***

***FADE IN ***

"Is Eddy really a closet megalomaniac?" Edd raises his dark eyebrows, stages a theatrical glance over his left shoulder to make sure he's alone, then hunches down close to the camera, "I'd have to run with that one although maybe a little less emphasis on the closet bit, k?

***FADE OUT ***

***FADE IN ***

Ed is on the phone again, he wears a hunted expression, "You think he'll take me on? Oh okay I see, yeah I understand. How much of a percentage? Uh, I think I'll call you back" He glances up and all expression fades from his face, swallowing his pride he slowly taps out a number on the phone, "Charna? I need you to do me a favor... a BIG favor, oh and what's Dale's ... uh ... Mr Greasely's favorite drink?"

***FADE OUT ***

***FADE IN ***

Edd and Eddy watch from afar as Ed paces around talking into the cell phone, Eddy shrugs, "He's a funny sort, you think he'd be all soft n cuddly but in reality he's a bit of a cold fish. Kinda the opposite to you Double D. Maybe next series we'll get you to play Ed and he can play Double D, whaddya say? " He looks full face at the camera, "Believe it people, big Ed is one shrewd businessman, Mr Sushi, haha get it sushi - cold fish! Me - I'm as you see me, no catches, what you see is what you get, no bones about it, you want ice you go to Ed, you want fire I'm you're man. Ahhh what am I saying this for, he's my best buddy" He yells out to Ed's distant figure "Ed you're my best buddy", then aside to Edd "you too of course!"

***FADE OUT ***

***FADE IN ***

Edd grabs Eddy and puts him in a headlock "You got the cold fish Sushi thing from the Bladerunner movie Eddy and that's the third time you've used it this week. Now ..." Edd gently prised the shades off of Eddy's face, "... why don't you tell your other best buddy, the bag of corn chips and everyone watching this just how you came by that lovely black eye?"

Eddy's left eye is a delicate shade of purple and the bruise marks above his eyebrow are shaped remarkably like a certain large person's knuckles. He chuckles nervously, "Okay I went too far ... so what's new?"

***FADE OUT ***

***FADE IN ***

Edd and Ed stand facing Eddy who has his arms folded in a defensive pose, between them is a blackboard with 2 columns, Eddy's good and bad points. The latter column is twice the length of the former, Eddy says nothing, his expression speaks volumes, behind him are the words "egotistical, lazy, fanatical, loud, self-centered, narcissistic, braggart and scared of spiders. "

***FADE OUT ***

***FADE IN ***

"Are any of the scams we've come up with based on real life experiences?" Ed pauses to think and comes up with a blank, "I don't know really if they can be put down to any of us individually, I think they're more a hotchpotch of everyone's pooled ideas. But I'll let you into another little secret Edd can't stand Jawbreakers, he really can't, thinks they're frightful things, we had to put him through 3 self-hypnosis tapes before he could even be in the same room as one ... or was that Eddy and spiders..."

***FADE OUT ***

***FADE IN ***

Jimmy and May are busy burying something in the ground, closer observation reveals it to be Plank who is wearing his habitual lopsided grin. May explains, "We're doing this for his own good really, I know it looks hard but he's got to move on. Plank is keeping Doug's career on hold, there wasn't even a part for Plank in the series originally but Doug's got family in the business ... uh ... an Uncle Popeye I think he said it was, apparently he put in a few words and bingo, they scripted the darn thing in. Terrible really - jeez here he comes..." they run off as Jonny appears in the distance calling for Plank.

***FADE OUT ***

***FADE IN ***

The camera pans around the side of the make-up trailer, somebody giggles. It comes to a small secluded area, pans left a little and there's the sound of quick breathing. A final slip to the left and Edd is revealed locked in a passionate embrace with Sarah. Sensing the camera he whips round so that his body blocks her from our view and tries to cover the lens with his right palm, there's a lot of joggling before the screen goes black and Sarah can be heard loudly wailing "We're just good friends!"

***FADE OUT ***

***FADE IN ***

The EDS THEME TUNE PLAYS: credits for the show roll across a still of Plank which is interspersed with short cut scenes from the documentary:

ROLF - opens an oddly shaped package to reveal some home-made candied beet - shouts of laughter from behind camera

JIMMY - combs gel through his well-slicked hair, self-absorbed he licks the comb and then runs choking to the bathroom

MAY - is seen cutting the ribbon at the opening of the new store, she is wearing a large purple chicken costume

EDD - is lying on his stomach being massaged by Baywatch beauty lookalikes, he gives us a long lazy smile and a wink

MARIE - is seen marking a graduate's paper on cold fusion, she sips on a root beer, Chopin plays in the background

ED - screams obscenities into his cell phone finishing off with "and double pepperoni this time Dork!"

LEE - is still locked in the bathroom

NAZZ - fits Edd's gap-creating device into her mouth, she grins at the camera, there is a TWANG & she runs off screaming

SARAH - is stuffing something into an envelope, seeing the camera she whirls round guiltily, red crepe hearts with "Edd" on them flutter to the floor

KEVIN - walks away across the cul-de-sac set, taped to his back is a piece of paper saying "DORK"

EDDY - gets up from a sun bed clutching a towel to his belly little realising there is a mirror behind him displaying his butt to the world

JONNY - stands forlornly in a field beneath a sickle moon at twilight still calling for Plank

ED, EDD n EDDY - mouths stuffed with Jawbreakers give us a huge grin, the picture fades and there is a spitting sound. Somebody can be heard retching and muttering about contracts

*** FADE OUT ***

ANNOUNCER: next on Channel XIV a rerun of the High Chapperal

*********************************************

Well, what did you make of that then, kind of weird really wasn't it? Oh my just look at the clock its later than I thought, c'mon brush your teeth and go to nut-nut. Sweet dreams Ed-Boys : ))

*** FIN ***

Eds off the Set
behindeds.jpg
By: Karma

Are moms girls?